How Snape became a Paeadophile
by Hasriona 2014
Summary: How Snape became a Paeadophile...with the British spelling.


**How Snape Became a Paedophile **

**Prequel to Series 1**

**Holy Shit this is bad**

It was a cool, dark night in the Potions Room. The last vestiges of twilight were disappearing behind the horizon, casting an odd purple light across the room. In the heart of the room stood a tall, greasy man, shrouded in a black coat which he thought made him look cool, but actually made him look like a complete twat.

A cauldron stood before him, a thick black liquid bubbling contentedly in the heart of it. Should he do it? Should he drink the mixture? What would he become?

He had wanted to become a supermodel and star on shows like Baywatch and SpongeBob Squarepants (because he had an uncanny resemblance to Squidward). He had tried to make a potion to turn him into this glorious whore, but somewhere in the making of the potion something went terribly wrong.

"What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO!" shouted Snape in his highly nasally voice.

"OI! KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE, YOU! I'M WATCHING DOCTOR WHO!"

"Sorry, Dumbledore..." replied Snape, and then turned his attention back towards the potion.

"I must pass an electric current through the mixture! Perhaps if I can get the right voltage, I can change the molecular structure of the substance and it will turn me into a beautiful goddess! Hail Hitler!"

Snape ran to the window, sticking a long piece of metal out of the window, and he attached it to Hogwart's lightning conductor outside. Perfect! A storm was brewing! What a fucking coincidence!

After several minutes of greasy waiting, a lightning bolt struck the top of North Tower, electrocuting Dumbledore in the process.

"Mmm...that's gooooooood stuffffffffff..." moaned Dumbledore as 60,000 volts passed through him.

The current continued until it reached the cauldron, sizzling the contents and causing them to abruptly explode. The hot potion hit Snape right in the face, and a bit went into his mouth, and he started to violently transform.

"It's working! IT'S WORKING. I'M CHANGING! I'M BECOMING A BEAUTIFUL PORNSTAR! YES! I AM! I CAN FEEL IT WORKING – helloooooooooooo!"

"Professor Snape?" asked a timid Hermione, opening the door to the Potion's room to find Snape sleeping on the floor. Immediately, he jumped up.

"Oh no, I should of never drunk that potion!" said Snape in a new, gay voice.

"Professor Snape?" asked Hermione.

"Helloooooooooooo..." said Snape, skipping up towards her.

"Professor Snape? Are you okay!"

"I'm fantastic! Why do you ask?" he replied, grinning.

"You're smiling...and you're naked..."

"Oh yes...I am..."

There was a brief silence.

"Helloooooooooooo..."

After raping his first child, Snape settled into his office. He was overcome with a new sense of optimism and positivity, and his animosity towards Harry Potter had completely gone!

Later that day, he had a Potions lesson with Potter and the rest of those Gryffindor loveballs...

"Helloooooooooooo..." said Snape as Ron came in.

"Helloooooooooooo..." said Snape as Seamus came in.

"Helloooooooooooo..." said Snape as Parvati came in.

"..." said Snape as Harry came in, picking him up by his cheeks.

"SNAPE! What the fuck!"

"Sorry...I don't know what came over me there..."

"Right...ok..."

"Now class!" said Snape, smiling, twiddling his fingers.

"Oh my god he's smiling!"

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" screamed Seamus.

"I'm too young to die!"

"You're a hundred and fifteen, Dumbledore!"

"Oh yes...for a second there I thought I was five..."

"Dumbledore, what are you doing here?" asked Snape, still grinning.

"Oh my fucking God he_ is_ smiling!" shouted Dumbledore. "Minerva! Minerva! Fetch me the paddling pool, the asparagus and your pornographic pictures!"

"I'm busy!" shouted McGonagall.

"This is an emergency!"

"I don't care!"

"Fuck you!"

Snape continued to smile, and the kids were close to madness now.

"I can't take this for much longer!" shouted Neville, and he stabbed himself in the head.

"Neville! Nooooo!" shouted Hermione.

"Oh get over it! He's not exactly a cool person! He has sex with his toad!"

"So that's how he got genital warts..." said Ron.

"You know this how?" asked Harry.

"He told me..."

"He told you!"

"He showed me..."

"What the fuck!" shouted Harry.

"He didn't know what it was..." said Ron.

"What, the warts?"

"No, his penis..."

"CHILDREN WILL YOU STOP BICKERING!"shouted Dumbledore. "YOU'RE WORSE THAN SNAPE!"

A brief silence fell again.

"No offence, Snape..."

"No offence taken!"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD HE'S GONE CRAZY!"

"I feel fine!" said Snape, the smile on his face increasing with ever second.

"I'm blind, I'm blind!" shouted Ron.

"If this continues it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum..." said Stephen Hawking, suddenly appearing in the room.

"STEPHEN HAWKING? What the hell are you doing in here?" said Harry.

"I got lost and I found myself in this weird place..."

"Ooh aren't you a handsome devil!" said Dumbledore suddenly.

"Shut up Gandalf, stop that man from smiling at once..." said Hawking.

"Snape, stop smiling!"

"I can't...I like smiling!" said Snape, his grin getting wider. Ron fainted.

"Oh my arse...my arse hurts!" screamed Harry, before he fainted as well.

"Well that was random!" said Hermione, who could just about cope with the amount of smiling taking place.

Snape then directed his smile right at Dumbledore, and he got full blast of it.

"!" screamed Dumbledore.

"One of us...one of us..." said Snape.

"Heehaw heehaw I've gone mad!" said Dumbledore, and he collapsed.

Soon everybody was either dead or unconscious.

"Hmm...I think class is dismissed..." said Snape. "Tum-tee-tum! Tum-tee-tum!" he said as he skipped across the room, imagining that he was riding a pink pony with Harry's head on it.

"Ride me like the wind, Snapey!" said the Harry-Unicorn.

"I'm riding you as hard as I can!" said Snape.

Snape was disturbed from his wonderful fantasy when someone spoke in the room.

"What the fuck happened here?" asked Filch.

Snape gave him a brief smile and his head exploded.

Later that day, Harry was in the hospital wing, having his arse maintained.

"What a mucky-pup!" reprimanded Madame Pomfrey. "We should really have toilet paper in this place!"

"I thought Dumbledore banned it?" asked Harry, wearily.

"He did, but only because he thrusted it into his arse too hard...he was vomiting up toilet paper for days..."

"Nice..." said Harry.

"Helloooooooooooo" said Snape, walking by and observing Harry's arse.

"Don't worry about him, Harry. The Office for Standards in Education say they're gonna relocate him any day now. I thought it was a bit harsh...I mean, he only killed seven students and one famous scientist...that happens every day here...but, that's what they're gonna do..."

"Excellent..." said Harry.

"Aah...I see the problem now...it's just a bit of blockage...quite a lot of blockage...what the devil is that?"

"Helloooooooooooo"

THE DAILY PROPHET

GIVING YOU THE NEWS YOU AREN'T REALLY INTERESTED IN FOR SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY SIX YEARS

SNAPE SMILES – EIGHT DEAD!

Yes, it has been confirmed that Severus Snape has smiled – and has killed Eight people as a result. If you didn't get that from the headline, then you're an idiot. But it's more serious than you may think, as, for those that know Mr Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts, Snape never smiles.

FUCKING HELL THIS IS SCARY

"Before I was killed, I theorized that if a man with such grease, evil and stink suddenly smiled, he would rip a hole in the universe. Of course, I died. I don't know how I'm speaking to you know, but I can say that death sucks..." said Professor Stephen Hawking from beyond the grave.

Severus Snape has been sacked at Hogwarts for the unintentional murder of eight people, and is being sent to the Muggle town of Nixborough in Yorkshire for correction. He will act as a Primary School Teacher, whatever that is, at a school called "Tinytots" for three years before he can be evaluated to see if his ugly face will ever smile again. Some people think that his smile killing powers may only affect magical people, but only when he interacts with innocent Muggle children will we know if he has the power to kill everyone in the whole world.

_Article by Rory Fancyarse _

BREAKING NEWS – WHO THE FUCK IS BEN? See Page 4

MORE BREAKING NEWS - DUMBLEDORE'S GONE MAD!

It has also been confirmed that prolonged exposure to Snape's smile has caused Dumbledore to become mad. Of course, he was mad before, but now he enjoys watching shows like Over the Rainbow and Fifi the Flower Whore. He is being sent to Mental Rehab, with one day freedom per month.

GOSSIP WITCH NEWS: HOGWARTS CASTLE IS BREAKING UP WITH GIANT SQUID!

Hogwarts Castle has revealed to us that he/she/it/shit/ is breaking up with the Giant Squid, resident at Number 1, Big Lake by Hogwarts Close, Scotland. The Giant Squid had this to say about the castle:

"Manwhore."

In the town of Nixborough, a tall dark figure got off a bus, smiling round at the town before him. A couple pedestrians ran away from him at the mere sight of him, but Snape didn't notice. His attention was drawn on a young boy on the other side of the street. He was short...with brown hair...and Snape liked the look of him. He was with his mother; they were shopping. Despite this, Snape went ahead and said helloooooooooooo.

"Helloooooooooooo" said Snape to the boy.

"Um...hi...do I know you?"

"No!"

"Ok...who are you then?"

"I am Mr Snape!" said Snape, smiling at him.

"Mr Snape? Someone said Mr Snape was coming to our school..." said the boy.

"Yes, I'm the new teacher!"

"Really? You're the new teacher?" asked the boy's mother suddenly.

"Yesssssss" said Snape. "That's what I just said, bitch!"

"Why thank you! You can have sex with me any time!"

"Fuck off, whore! What's your name?" asked Snape to the boy.

"Timmy..." said the boy.

"..." said Snape.

"Yes..." said Timmy, timidly.

"Nice to meet you, Timmy...see you in school..."

And with that, Snape walked off, knocking over two old women who were in his way.

"Can't you see the Snape?" asked Snape. "You damn old people can't see a fucking elephant even if it walked into your kitchen!"

On Monday morning, the Year Three students were chattering excitedly in their classroom, wondering who their new teacher would be. Timmy hadn't told them anything. He personally thought that Mr Snape had been a figment of his imagination...

The door banged open...and nothing came in...

"Oooh, maybe it's a ghost!" said BonBon.

"I doubt it..." said Mellissa.

"Maybe it was just a draft..." said a boy.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Ben! I've sat next to you for two years!"

"Name doesn't ring a bell!"

The window suddenly shattered, and pieces of glass hit Ben, killing him. No one really noticed.

Mr Snape, to Timmy's horror, came through the window, falling onto the carpet.

"Helloooooooooooo"

"Are you are new teacher?" asked Mellissa.

"Indeed! I am Prof-I mean Mr Snape!"

"Why did you come in through the window?"

"I wanted to make a good entrance!"

"Oh...ok then!"

"Right then class! Let the learning begin!" said Snape.


End file.
